cereal

Here at hithisisdom.com, you have become very aware that I like to delve into the day’s hard hitting topics, the really big issues. These are the topics that cause a “riff” (hey Sam!) in society and literally tear families apart at the seams. In today’s post, I want to talk about an issue that really hits close to home and something I’m extremely passionate about. Let me begin with a story.

I went to work one day and I was feeling really lucky about my day, probably because I started off my morning right with a bowl of Lucky Charms. I will admit, it was technically my sisters box of cereal, but it’s something she can go to the store and buy freely as a Canadian citizen. My luck quickly changed when I checked Twitter to see how she reacted to me eating her Lucky Charms.

What she did as revenge, with great malice and forethought I might add, was simply unforgivable. She ate a bowl of Trix cereal. My Trix cereal. You cannot get that cereal in Canada. It is exclusive and very rare, so I take anyone eating a bowl very seriously because of my limited quantities.

I was deeply upset, obviously, but my feelings at the time are not the point of the story. The point of that was to show how seriously I take breakfast cereals and how passionate I am about my favourite meal. I will even publicly lambast a family member over it.

I do consider myself a cereal connoisseur. I’ve been eating them since I had teeth to properly chew, and I don’t think I’ve skipped many days since. I have cereal every day. That’s not even a lie. At any given time, there are probably five different types of breakfast cereals in my cupboards. I like options, and I like variety.

Through the years I have tried a plethora of cereals. Most of them were great, others were boring, but in my studies and research, I’ve compiled a list of the best breakfast cereals. A lot of careful thought went into selecting the proper criteria in such a ranking. So keep in mind if/when you disagree with me that this process was highly scientific and you do not have the same cereal credentials as I do.

Before I get into the list, I’m going to tell you what you will not find on it. Healthiness and nutrition were not considered at all. In fact, it was probably a detriment.

Also cereal is eaten with milk. If you come at me with “but _________ tastes so good without milk” please close your browser and go outside, you’ve had enough internet for the day.

 

In terms of criteria and how this was ranked, let me break it down for you. All scores are on a scale from 1 – 10

Deliciousness: How delicious is this cereal?

Funness: How much fun am I having while eating this cereal?

Repeat Factor: Can I eat this every day and not get bored?

Mascot Awesomeness: Would the mascot be a cool guy* to hang out with?

*Disclaimer: For some reason, in my knowledge, there is no breakfast mascot that is a woman. I don’t know why. Cereal is easy to make so any boy can do it, while we as a society expect girls to make proper breakfasts? That’s my theory on this sexist cereal world.

 

While you read the list, I highly recommend you listen to the best song ever made about cereal. This doesn’t really add anything to the experience, I just felt I couldn’t leave it out.

 

The Top 10 Breakfast Cereals

wheaties10. Wheaties

Deliciousness: n/a

Funness: 7

Repeat Factor: n/a

Mascot Awesomeness: 11

Total: 18/20

You may be wondering why I have deliciousness and repeat factor as “not available.” The truth is, I’ve never had a bowl of Wheaties in my life. A shameful fact about me, I know. So if I’ve never had it, why is it on this list? You simply can’t have a list of top cereals without the self-proclaimed “Breakfast of Champions.” It’s practically the Michael Jordan of breakfast. In fact, he’s been on the box. Because he’s a champion. Do you want to be a champion? Eat your Wheaties. I think every person’s goal in life is to be on a cereal box, or at least that’s my goal in life. Wheaties is on this list for that reason. Not for its content, but for its message.

Verdict: I can only imagine eating this cereal will make me feel like a winner, but because I don’t need a cereal to tell me that, I’ve never had it.

 

reese puffs9. Reese Puffs

Deliciousness: 9

Funness: 7

Repeat Factor: 7

Mascot Awesomeness: 0

Total: 23/40

This cereal is crazy delicious if you are about the chocolate and peanut butter life, and really, if you’re not about that life you are a weird person. With that in mind, why is it only at number nine? It should be obvious by looking at the box, but let me break it down for you: there is no cereal mascot. How can you expect me to eat your cereal without a cartoon endorsement? How am I supposed to trust what you’re selling to me, General Mills? Despite that, this is one delicious cereal that I need to re-up in my life because it’s been a while since my last bowl. Chocolate + Peanut Butter + Milk = A delicious and not very nutritious breakfast.

Verdict: The flavour is there, but having no mascot is a shady marketing decision reserved for healthy lifestyle cereals. AKA cereal for adults.

 

cocoapuffs-sticker8. Cocoa Puffs

Deliciousness: 8

Funness: 7

Repeat Factor: 5

Mascot Awesomeness: 6

Total: 27/40

This cereal is one of four on this list that are not available to Canadians, which may irk some of you. The fact that their not available irks me too. The good thing about Cocoa Puffs is that there is a very deserving Canadian replacement in Nesquik cereal. I felt it was better to pay homage to the original little chocolate balls cereal rather than Nesquik. Chocolate cereals are boring to me, so Cocoa Puffs always lose out in terms of the repeat factor. There’s no variety, it’s just chocolate. Some of you may be okay with that, but on a day-to-day basis I need more variety. In spite of that, the cereal eventually turns the milk into chocolate milk which is very fun and a delicious end to the meal. Major points and respect to that. I don’t know the bird’s name, so he is a non-factor in terms of mascot awesomeness. I’m sure he’s an okay bird.

Verdict: Your average chocolate cereal for your average life with your average bird.

 

cookie-crisp-cereal7. Cookie Crisp

Deliciousness: 8

Funness: 8

Repeat Factor: 5

Mascot Awesomeness: 7

Total: 28/40

The second of four cereals unavailable in Canada (sorry), Cookie Crisp is basically like eating a gigantic bowl of chocolate chip cookies, permanently doused in milk. It’s pretty much a match made in breakfast heaven. The problem is two-fold. One, the mascot used to be a wizard. Wizards are amazing. Now it’s a wolf. Because of that change, there is an age gap between those who had Cookie Crisp served by an awesome wizard and those from an okay wolf. That may not be important, but it’s an issue that has probably severed some relationships greatly, including one between Jeff and Troy on NBC’s Community. Also, sometimes too many cookies are a bad thing. This isn’t a cereal you can eat every day. In fact, I rarely eat it in the morning. Cookie Crisp is more of a midnight snack cereal. For some reason it tastes better at night.

Verdict: Cookies are great, especially at night, but definitely not all the time.

 

frosted flakes6. Frosted Flakes

Deliciousness: 7

Funness: 7

Repeat Factor: 7

Mascot Awesomeness: 9

Total: 30/40

Frosted Flakes are about as average as you can get for a cereal. I don’t think there’s anyone in this world who loves Frosted Flakes, but at the same time I doubt there’s anyone who hates them. They get the job done. They’re sugary and sweet, but not too much where you can feel yourself getting Diabetes. There’s nothing really special about it, except for one of the greatest cereal mascots ever made, Tony the Tiger. First of all, tigers are awesome and when you add fluent English into a tigers repertoire it becomes even better. Frosted Flakes deserve a lot of respect for having an average cereal be looked at as a cultural cornerstone for many children thanks to this cool tiger named Tony. Advertising game is top notch and it clearly sold me. Tony does lose some points for not being as bad-ass as he should be. He’s too soft to be a tiger. Cereal game Drake.

Verdict: As cereal as cereal gets, pepped up to be the greatest.

fruity-pebbles5. Fruity Pebbles

Deliciousness: 10

Funness: 6

Repeat Factor: 8

Mascot Awesomeness: 8

Total: 32/40

Another cereal that’s sadly unavailable, and it’s a shame because this cereal is sugary goodness. It’s sort of like Rice Krispies and Trix combined, if that helps you visualize it. If crack was a cereal, I’d imagine it would be Fruity Pebbles. The pieces are really small, so it’s great to eat at first, but near the end when it’s all soggy at the bottom it becomes a bit of a chore. This cereal is in my regular rotation at the moment so I hold it in high regard, but it might also be because of the exclusivity. Call me a cereal hipster, I guess, even though that word is stupid, but sometimes things just taste better because it’s not readily available. Also, the boxes feature the Flinstones which is awesome. I imagine Fred and Barney arguing over a bowl before they take their dinosaur for a walk.

Verdict: One of the best in terms of deliciousness and Flinstones family is a plus despite how tedious it is to eat near the end.

 

luckycharms4. Lucky Charms

Deliciousness: 6

Funness: 10

Repeat Factor: 7

Mascot Awesomeness: 10

Total: 33/40

How do I justify ranking Lucky Charms so high when its deliciousness rating is so low? It’s because that rating is a combination of the two distinct parts of Lucky Charms: the marshmallow orgasms and the cardboard grains. The marshmallows are easily an 11/10, but the other stuff is a 1/10. Can you imagine their cereal sales if they introduced all marshmallow Lucky Charms? Just give me a job already General Mills, I’m a genius. Granted, the bad part of Lucky Charms makes the marshmallows taste that much more glorious, but when you get that spoonful with zero marshmallows in it, sometimes you consider ending it all. It’s almost not worth it, especially considering the ratio between marshmallows and grains. But that’s also what makes Lucky Charms a lot of fun to eat. Near the end of the bowl I will always eat the stupid grain part exclusively and save the marshmallows for last and have spoonfuls of just marshmallows. It tastes like heaven. I imagine that in heaven, where food doesn’t have to be FDA approved, they have just marshmallow Lucky Charms and it’s the best thing ever. Also, Lucky the Leprechaun has gold and cereal so he is obviously someone I can see myself hanging around.

Verdict: I like marshmallows and leprechauns; not so much the other stuff.

 

froot loops3. Froot Loops

Deliciousness: 8

Funness: 7

Repeat Factor: 9

Mascot Awesomeness: 10

Total: 34/40

This is pretty much my go to cereal. My mom buys it in bulk at Costco. When I don’t have Trix in my life, this is my number one fruity cereal and it’s probably the cereal I’ve had the most of in my life. It’s a classic. The loop shape is a cereal staple and the fruity part makes it much more delicious then say, Cheerios. It’s not the best tasting cereal, but it’s definitely one of those cereals you can eat every day and not really get bored, although doing so for years had me exploring other breakfast options. And unlike the dumb Cocoa Puffs bird thing, Toucan Sam is a thug. Dude has three kids and full custody. He’s living the single dad life large and is pretty much the breakfast star of the world. He’s as colourful as the cereal in both appearance and personality. Toucans are cool birds and there’s no cooler bird than Toucan Sam. It’s not the funnest or even the best cereal to eat, but it’s an every day cereal for an every day man, symbolized by one of the greats in advertisement history.

Verdict: A classic fruity cereal with an OG breakfast mascot.

 

cinnamon toast crunch2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Deliciousness: 10

Funness: 8

Repeat Factor: 10

Mascot Awesomeness: 6

Total: 34/40

To be honest, I wasn’t even aware Cinnamon Toast Crunch even had a mascot, but apparently it’s some chef guy I think. He’s okay, he looks like he has some tales to share over a warm glass of milk. Grandpa Crunch will be his name. He probably has a real one, I don’t really care what it is. Anyways, the question every Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercial starts with is “Can you see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?” You don’t have to be Hawkeye to just put the spoon in your mouth and taste the euphoria. This cereal has some serious game in terms of deliciousness and the best part is that it doesn’t get old. This is one of those cereals you can eat every day and also one of those that you miss when it’s not stocked in your cupboards. The mascot may be lacking but the cereal more than makes up for it. It’s also a lot of fun to eat in my opinion because the cereal size is bigger than usual. They’re perfect at the start when they’re still crunchy, and at the end again when they’re a bit soggy. Also the milk tastes like cinnamon goodness, Probably the best non fruity cereal in the entire industry.

Verdict: Be right back, going to the supermarket right now because I need this stuff in my mouth pronto,

 

trix31. Trix

Deliciousness: 10

Funness: 9

Repeat Factor: 10

Mascot Awesomeness: 10

Total: 39/40

This cereal is hands down the greatest of all time. Literally the Wayne Gretzky of cereals, there is not even a contest really. First off, it is goddamn delicious. You know how Skittles have five amazing flavours that can each combine with the rest to make awesome combinations. That’s what Trix is, but in cereal version. Every spoonful is a new experience of fruity goodness. With that in mind, it’s obviously super fun to eat and also has insane longetivity. I would have no problem eating this for the rest of my life. When I’m 64 a doctor will tell me, “Dom, you can’t keep eating this sugary crap, you’re 64. You need vitamins and healthy cereals. Here try this All Bran one I brought for you.” Let me tell you right now that my senile ass will punch that doctor in the throat. He could tell me Trix are for kids and I have Diabetes. I won’t care. I’ll die how I lived, eating delicious cereal. And that brings up the very important mascot factor. Trix had some of the best commercials ever made, but they just made me feel bad for this poor rabbit. He was out there working hard, being an awesome little rabbit and he just wanted some cereal. Why do these kids have to be such jerks? Shouldn’t the advertising execs thought that sharing may have been a good message to send to the children of the world? Especially when the rabbit was such a cool guy. Look at him, he has roller skates! Rabbits on roller skates should be universally adored.

But then again, if he asked for my Trix, I probably wouldn’t have given him any either. It’s that good. The only reason I’m dropping its perfect score is because the cereal used to be shaped like the fruits they embodied, and that was very fun for me as a seven year old. Also, the fact that I need to drive 100 km to the USA to buy them is also not fun at all. When I go, I bring at least 10 boxes back. When my friends go I make them bring me some back too. They are the best for that.

Verdict: The best of the best, nothing compares.

 

The Companies

I know it’s already been a very long read, but I absolutely needed to mention this last part.

My top ten included one cereal from Post, two from Kellogg’s and seven from General Mills. But what about the forgotten company. In my research I discovered a former cereal company from the 80’s, and how they are no longer in existence I will never know because they produced what I can only assume was the best cereal ever made.

breakfast with barbie
This was a very real cereal in 1989.

That company is Ralston and here is a brief list of their former offerings:

  • Addams Family Cereal
  • Batman and Batman Returns Cereal
  • Bill and Ted’s Excellent Cereal
  • Breakfast With Barbie
  • Donkey Kong Crunch
  • Dunkin’ Donuts Cereal
  • E.T. Cereal
  • Ghostbusters Cereal
  • Gremlins Cereal

There were some others but those are the ones that stood out to me. Well, that’s a lie. One cereal stood out and I had to google it to make sure it was real. You can’t even make this stuff up. I’m just going to leave a picture of the box with zero comment because it seriously speaks for itself. This was probably the greatest cereal ever made, and I will never know its glory.

urkel-os

TL;DR–

i somehow wrote 2900 words about cereal.

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